19 September 2007

scrambled. morning

What did you think the moment you woke up today? Or is it a Who? How did you feel? Were you confused? Were you stressed? Were you smiling as the creaking reels of the last dream wound up in fading luminosity? Were you happy? Or were you merely ok?

I'll tell you how I was. I was angry. And I was angrier still by the fact that I was. Half-asleep and immobile with negativity. I was angry at how I am completely not in control of my life. I was angry at the people I love for dissecting me out of their being. I was angry at my inability to do so. I was angry that they still appear in my dreams, just how I remember them. I was angry at the people who have taken advantage of me over the years. I was angry at the people who despite wallowing in mediocrity, are making more money than I do. I was angry at the bedspread that kept slipping off through the night. I was angry at me not being in touch with people who have mattered to me over the years. I was angry at everybody. I was angry.

I sat up. I blinked to consciousness. It was then that I felt them. Tiny droplets of rain that had collected on my eyelashes. After travelling hundreds of miles from their nesting grounds way up in the stratosphere. To find me. As I wiped both eyes to look out of the window, I found myself smiling.

Today must be the day they sing about.

That's Andy Warhol. Courtesy Allposters.com

19 comments:

Smiling Dolphin said...

hi phish, thanks for visiting my blog, and for posting at your own again. it's good to have you back. just want to tell you that losing someone you love it does make you angry, but if the individual is still alive, at least you have a chance to reunite someday. it's so different when death is the separator - then you won't feel angry at all, just very very sad.

scribbleamus said...

hi..want to share this

http://scribbleamus.blogspot.com/2007_02_01_archive.html

dharmabum said...

why control?

phish said...

smiling dolphin:
thanks for dropping by. i know what you mean. i was just acting spoilt.

scribbleamus:
lovely writing. and sad. i'm glad you took me there.

dharmabum:
it is but the key to life. no?

Devil Mood said...

This post is great!
I was angry too when I woke up. Really angry because it was 8 and someone had started using a building machine to renew a floor in my building. It was loud and it was unbearable. And I had only fallen asleep at about 4, so I needed more.
But I've also been angry at people that appear over and over in my dreams. People that should have disappeared from my life years ago.
I'm glad something made you smile this morning.

Anonymous said...

I'm happy for your anger. You are lucky because you have passion. Your life is beautiful and painful. Your lovely writing shows how much you value all these things, the tenderness and reverence you are capable of. It ensures a great life for you.

Anonymous said...

all anger can be doused, but being angry at being angry, dunno how that goes away, even the rain you speak of doesn't help.

madelyn said...

let it all go - with that sparkling rain - but glad you got all that anger out:
now go dance in the fields by the light of the stars:)

(and then have a nice cup of chai)

I dare you:)

meraj said...

man...this aint some mutual appreciation club or something, but what you write is real good stuff. honest and (thats why) beautiful.

phish said...

devilmood:
surprising how both us woke up in two different parts of the world. though yours was valid reason.

videoxy:
i have learnt a little about myself from that. thank you. makes me feel better than yesterday.

gaiza:
true. that's a helplessness i don't want to feel again.

maddie:
you happiness cuddly thing you.

x said...

maybe you are not a morning person?
joking.
when i feel like that i take a trip on my own for a few days. it really helps and it makes you believe in you again. Try it too!

phish said...

meraj:
we are less than a km apart and this is how we communicate. pathetic.

chloe:
surprisingly, i have never given it thought. i am a morning and a night person. the rest of the day is something of a chore. just returned from a trip. helped me for 48 hours.

dharmabum said...

meaning life is locked up. and we need a key?

mine seems pretty open. and unexplored.

phish said...

dharmabum:
if its open, you've got the key.
seemingly still.

dharmabum said...

if i do, then its in my mind. who knows, it maybe the mind itself.

Pooja Nair said...

this piece has an "unputdownable" quality. you start reading it, you can't stop till the end...nice

You have to read my latest post...ironically...it's all about being positive...and yet says the same thing as what your post says...i think...

phish said...

thank you pooja for the lovely words. i have been a bit irregular in the blog world. but i promise to drop in.

Nisha said...

hmm...im usually angry when i wake up. and we dont realise what harm are we causing ourselves...wish everyday something like a drop of rain cud come and make us smile!!

Anonymous said...

I would have suspected the mind to be numbed with all that anger. I am intrigued how you have managed to compartmentalise/ categorize the emotion.