murighonto

i could, but i isn't. stories of a constantly-pained individual.

12/27/2008 03:51:00 PM

in my life

Posted by phish

Approximately 2000 kms away from the shiny, happy people of Bombay I have a little vault. In which rests the collected paraphernalia of a now hazy life. The vault lies patiently in wait. For me to come by occasionally and turn the contents over, slowly and meticulously. Like a collector of fine china, taking in each piece to quietly marvel at it and yet be terribly careful not to chip it. It is where I stumble upon faded smiles, doodled notepads, dog-eared comic books and smudged photographs of happy dogs, all of who are probably in heaven now.

Even before I landed here, I had decided to walk the city. To plod heavy on the grey pavements that have nourished thousands of the starving souls that needless youth over the world seem to acquire at some point before adulthood. To give in to the unique sights and smells of every serpentine lane that vein across the grimy, sweat-stained heart of the metropolis. Hence, armed with a heavy sense of motivation (and brand new saintly-white Adidas shoes) I started walking. And with each dusty step, I found a little note. Left behind by a younger, former me.

I found the little cafe that we could never walk into fearing it to be expensive. The shuffling old ushers, bent with consumption, at the local cinema, now as derelict and run-down as its light bearers. Our bumpy (and very dangerous) pitch at the cricket field which the kids from the other neighbourhood never dared to step on. The corner newsstand where we flipped through trembling girlie magazines. The dusky, winter evenings spent on park benches huddling and coughing as we struggled with perfecting smoke rings. The window that became the cynosure of our lives because of the unseen, pretty girl who lived behind it.

In varying degrees of intensity they came back. The bits and pieces. Broken and in parts. Shrapnels of memory that are impossible to remove surgically. Lodged deep inside, destined to cause pain for as long as I live.

16 comments:

radiotooth said...

I haven't walked so far back into my past in a while, but I have also collected places in time and memories attached to myself and other people. I have heard younger people complain about change, about things coming and going. Maybe they still think someone else does the changing, and that it's not a choice. Funny enough, I had to reread your message and acknowledge that you are feeling pain with these things. I went straight to the painful place with my memories too when I read this, but I also felt a glamor and love underneath your words.

errormsg! said...

Amrita this eez :)

The collector of fine china, comic books and smoke rings is dreaming in my favourite city!

Devil Mood said...

In a way I'm unfortunate to be close to many of those memories, too close. But on the other hand, if you confront them on a frequent basis, they're not so bad anymore, or at least you learn to ignore it.

Smiling Dolphin said...

fantastic new template, love the coffee look, good accompaniment to old memories, however sad and treasured. congrats. and happy new year.

Gauri Gharpure said...

what a walk it must have been..

btw, isn't this new layout too structured? i mean, it's grt, but the earlier deep blue with dots seemed to suit your writing much more.. guess will get used to this with time..

POOJA NAIR said...

Lovely template!

Mmaking way for the new year. For new YOUs. A wiser latter you. :)

Memories are a funny thing. They cause you pain and yet you don't want to let go of them...

(thats not me. thats haruki murakami in 'kafka on the shore') :)

Heppy new year!
Happy new memories!

phish said...

radiotooth - there is a problem. i think everyone in this world is shouting change. we all want it. from governments, from institutions, from societies. we demand it. yet we are so helpless when we encounter it in our daily lives. today, keeping my promise to upgrade to me 2.0, i have had to change a lot of things. about me. about my head. and which is why this trip home, was such an eye opener. i started looking at everything as if it was the last time. at first i smiled. and then i just got sadder and sadder. i think in my quest for evolution, for change, for maturity, for success, i have traded innocence. and it is not as good a deal as they would have us believe.

errormsg! - isn't winter traditionally the time for the dreamers to come out of their caves and walk ancient, dying cities?

devil - the thing is no matter how much pain these bring me, i am stilt ease with the pain. because the pain is the only link i have with that part of me. i hope i am able to explain this correct. its very difficult, this emotional space. now you realise why i loved your story so much...and the post right after...?

dolphin - what a pleasure! thank you for being the first one to NOTICE my new template. i like it as well. and since i am in the process of change, why not change a few more things eh?

gauri - it was. and it will continue for another week. hoping to unearth more such little vaults as i stumble along cold, dusty paths i know so well.

pooja - i love it when you come and leave the most refreshing words that seem obvious but we just dont notice. and yes, i hope i make happy memories. but not at the risk of all the sad old ones. i liked the characters in them a whole lot.

d.h.roark said...

Trilok! i was just talking to karish about this.... well.. the first para anyway... i do this everytime i go back to pune.. however often or rare. opne my cupboard and go through every letter unsent and received, every photo, tiny clay crescents and care bears, old books with notes on teh front page describing the proud moment of purchase, all of it and each time it's great. well.. have fun walking.

radiotooth said...

It is just as good, the transition is just not as comfortable as all our habits. And I don't think you've traded innocence. I think in the future you will come back (again) and view those same memories with a different eye and heart. At this point, you are viewing those things differently than when you placed them there, or even than when they first happened. I have faith, dear Phish, that the tenderness in these feelings of loss is a gift that enables you to give love and grace to yourself, to me, to others.

Mystique said...

lovin' the template............
aaah, memories. most of mine just make me cringe.
but yeah, i've got my fair share....
of stupid 12 yr old things i used to say, stuff i used to do...

Devil Mood said...

Yes, I think I see what you mean.

meraj said...

nicely written long piece after a gap. enjoyed!

zatomm said...

I like Cal too. Is bidrohi 2.0 slimmer?

zatomm said...

Oooh - "Your comment has been saved and will be visible after blog owner approval."

A free thinker is turning in his grave while the dog-eared constitution clumsily paws its way out of the virtual shredder. Yes, the times they are a changin'... bidrohi 1.9... what is to come of this... what is to become of this?

"Comment moderation has been enabled. All comments must be approved by the blog author."

I need to verify that "I am not a PC" (this time we know who turns in his undug grave) by "typing the characters you see in the picture above" to get through to what is left of bidrohi 1.0... ah... bidrohi 1.9, where is wordstar and the Remington with it's red and black ribbon?

It says word verification (in caps, mind you), and yet I fear ingenc is not a word.

Bidrohi 1.9 - Cancel my subscription to the resurrection. If this is 2009 - it is not very far from 1984. Send me a postcard!

det-res said...

Why do memories have to be painful. We lived through them and survived. I think we should be proud of ourselves. I think we should smile more often.Hmm!

Churu Churu said...

lovely stuff!