i could, but i isn't. stories of a constantly-pained individual.

10/14/2008 03:23:00 PM

butt, seriously.

Posted by phish

Been close to two months ago that I visited this place. Armed with a middling philosophical treatise about loneliness and an abstract justification of an addiction. Fifty soot-slimed, grueling and acidic days of work later, I am here again. With an entirely different self and purpose. And a little surprise (worth one cm displacement of either eyebrow, either way) of a announcement.

I quit smoking.

It's not a resolution. I am not in love with a non-smoker. And I am not playing out a silly macho bet with anyone. I just quit. One sultry evening inside a taxicab I decided to just give up. I have been smoking for 14 years. It has been a good, loyal friend holding me up in the empty hours between good and bad times. Providing me with a warm, crackling glow and a temporary haze. Just when I needed it.

Been ten days now and I am still surviving. The first three days were horrible though. I don't really know what or how long the detox process is. But I am willing to go through with it. After a long time I am doing something for myself. And it feels good.


That's from Gaping Void. With just the kind of words that were forming in my head. Forty seconds ago.


Devotica said...


let a hug compensate for the loss then. you lose some and find so much more to fill it all in

missalister said...

Well at least you do visit… I’ve learned to live with less Phish, although the initial detachment period was protracted with seizures, depression, heart irregularities, high anxiety and the like. Grueling. I imagine you’re harder to quit than smoking, so you’ve got that going for you anyway ;-) May the force be with you on this worthy mission!

Afrin said...

Wow, that's great news really. Nothing feels as good as making a conscious decision, and being able to defeat a compulsive habit - speaking from recent 'ditto' experience. Good luck there.

Devil Mood said...

I'm so happy for you! Well done and now be strong, this isn't just a battle, it's a whole war. I'm speaking from the experience of watching my parents quit. There was a 50% success rate lol

Hope your attempt is successful - if you feel good about it then it will be. Good luck!

meraj said...

a great comeback...Congratulations!

its been a year and 2 months for me now and i feel great.


POOJA NAIR said...

This is a sign. everything good will happen from now on. :)

Very happy :D

det-res said...

Wow, wow, wow...

Congratulations on 10 smoke free days. Congratulations you are one of the few people in this world who has the highest level of determination. And congratulations you have finally joined the club where we take care of ourselves first. :))

Anonymous said...

I quit roughly the same way, though had only smoked for 5 years. I started when I was 20 and stopped when I was 25. To help the transition I rode my bike as much as possible. That also resulted in me riding my bike all the time which felt so great: free and strength-building.
I'm happy for you. Very!

Smiling Dolphin said...

Congrats, I know many of our colleagues started the quitting process in and around the ban implementation date -- so bans unfortunately do work!!

phish said...

devotica - i am sure. surprised to find you here as the first one. hope you are doing fine. in your world.

missalister - thank you! and apologies for being away so long. one day i shall rise above this stupid job. till then :)

afrin - thank you for the words. hope you are holding on. god knows i am trying.

devil - my war is getting aggressive by the day. though its the worst at night. maybe i will succeed this time around.

meraj - thanks man. and the wine tastes better!

pooja - i dont trust you. sometimes i think you want to make ascetics out of us all :) but thank you for being sweet. i hope you are right. looking forward to meeting you and your better half.

det-res - thank you. i am glad i am doing it though. feel clean. and also empowered. strange?

radiotooth - ah. these non-smokers. always bragging. the struggle, tamara, is the fact that wherever i go in my field of business, people seem to be smoking. hope to see the first month through.

dolphin - yes, maybe in a strange way both were related. i hate bans, but this one i think is good. even before i quit.

void said...

Two months, or one day, either way time changed you, eh?

The smoking ban didn't get me to quit smoking, but I did quit going to those places I used to frequent just to sit and smoke with a coffee/beer.

50% of me is happy for you. 50% of me is sad I've lost a smoking buddy, even if we've never smoked together.

Still, you have my support. 100%. Fuck that smoker dude in me. He's just jealous you beat him to it.

dharmabum said...

i wanted to say things that void here did too, except the jealousy bit. used to be a time when i would consider about quitting, and say to myself "someday". and then, i decided to just dump that thought and continue to smoke. 10 years now. i did, however practice a year of abstinence after about 7 years, and it worked. i don't think its as big a deal as the non smokers make it out to be. speaking for myself, i like it, i indulge.

how you been, brother?

missalister said...

I totally identified with your response. I had the one-day-i-shall-rise-above-this-stupid-job mantra going for 18 years straight. I finally covered my eyes and jumped to the next stepping stone in my path, but only because my mortality’s breathing down my neck! Anyway, the other day I saw an article in “The New Yorker” that hits on that whole thing and I thought you might enjoy it as I did. The don’t-sweat-it message to me was this: those with creative talent (like you, my dear) will arrive when it's time to arrive ;-)